Today is Friday, I allow myself to write something different from the parts that make up my blog.
Today I talk about my dark passenger. Some of you will be familiar with the phrase, if you see the TV series Dexter, which airs on HBO.
I have to confess that I have always known there was a part of me, of which I was ashamed of it sometimes. A part of me can hate, manipulate. Yes, sometimes I am that person, yes I could wish for death to another human being, or ask the sky that my boss will suffer from colic.
Curiously, despite being aware that person existed in the deepest part of my being. I could not give, him a name , or maybe I was afraid to name it. Thus, only exist as part of my imagination.
But one afternoon while watching Dexter series, I recognized the person with whom I kept a death struggle for some time. His name was summed up in one phrase “Dark Passenger”
Since I have reason, my struggle to be a good person has given me more of a headache. Trying to be good in a world where the good are manipulated and smart and nonconformists are called crazy is very difficult. I’ve been in situations where everyone was charming to me , when I don’t complained or when I don’t said no. But while protesting for some reason, the first phrase that left their mouth is”you’re crazy”. It cost me time to realize that some people just liked when I kept silent to their demands, and never refuted their opinions about me or my life.
That’s when my dark passenger came to my aid.
It was easily deformed, pronouncing the first one not quietly that even I could not hear. Then I had settled returning a glacial look to someone who I had looked bad or derogatory manner.
I learned to scream with hurtful words when someone hurt me.
Sometimes wanted the death of a driver crossing with a green light. And then a smile of satisfaction to imagine his body lying on the asphalt.
I must say that sometimes I have fear that my thoughts and wishes will be come true. Droughts because then I would be committing a crime. I do not know what scares me most. To commit a crime, or realize that I’m not that good person after all.
Because in my internal forum, I know there are many people who deserve a horrible end. All pedophiles in the world, the man who beat their women, those people who financially ruin the lives of those who put their trust in them. I’m sure my dark passenger will be ready to exterminate them one by one.
But I would be unable to take the life of another person. Not because the law says. It’s not worth it. The bad people are like weeds, you can cut a lot of them but always grow more.
I will say that there is not another person having these terrible thoughts.Its me. But I can only say that this is the fight I have with my own person. Because the passenger and me, we are the same person but with two perceptions of life.
Once I accepted this, I can say I’m on the road to find my true self. That I to accept the good and bad of me. a being who does not have to justify himself to anyone or anything, that woman who is not afraid to say no, because she does not care if they think she is a bad person or intolerant.
I had to spend a lot of time and through many experiences, to realize that the scary part of my being, can be a light source to learn about myself and the world around me.